I didn’t drown out today. And it was hard.
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I cannot explain what I was feeling for large portions of the day today. It was a mixture of pain, distance and sadness. I am not sure exactly what brought it on. I was driving with my son to pick something up and this feeling just started to descend upon me.
I’ve had similar experiences in the past and usually I would do what we humans seem to do best; distract and drown out such feelings with music, social media, a podcast or some other form of mind numbing entertainment.
I think sometimes this is why we are a generation that is so plugged in all the time. It sometimes feels easier to try and escape or drown out what’s really going on inside than it is to face it. But problems never go away by ignoring them. In fact they persist and often get worse unless we solve them.
But today I decided not to plug in and drown out. It was unpleasant to recognize and feel more intimately some of the mess that goes on inside my soul. But now I know it’s there and I don’t want to drown it out any more. I want to heal that part of me that hurts. I don’t know exactly what it is or what’s causing it but knowing it’s there is a start.
I found my wife Cassandra sat on our bed upstairs during the afternoon and I asked if I could just lean into her for a moment. To choose a moment of connection with her, to feel the warmth of her skin against mine, to feel her arms embrace me felt so good to my soul.
This moment lasted only a few minutes before two of our younger children came waltzing into the room threatening to wake the baby who’d only just gone down for their afternoon nap.
But it was enough. It didn’t chase away all the uncomfortable feelings inside but this brief moment of real connection was so soothing to my soul. Human connection is essential to life. It’s what we are biologically, spiritually and mentally wired for, so it makes sense that a connecting moment with my beautiful wife would do more for the welfare and development of my soul than any podcast, video or song could ever do.
Perhaps we would all do well to unplug and truly feel and listen to what’s going on inside. It might be ugly, painful or scary sometimes, but I am coming to see that it’s essential if I am to become the person I have the potential to become.
So will you join me in trying to listen more and drown out less?
