Sometimes I wonder.
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Our oldest son exited the car this morning outside his elementary school in less than high spirits.
I shouldn’t take all the blame for this, but this morning wasn’t a highlight on my parenting resume.
Today is testing day for third-graders and instead of buoying him up, I instead lectured him on how he should take care of things in the morning if he didn’t like “being ordered” as he puts it, to do the things he needs to do in order to be ready for school.
I could tell by the time we got to school that I had deflated his balloon. Once I arrived at work I called the school and spoke to him but it broke my heart to hear him sound so sad on the other end.
He wasn’t crying or anything like that, I just felt like I could tell in his tone. I played a role in how my son was feeling today. Have I failed or am I failing? I suppose in some ways I have and am.
Sometimes I wonder how you can go from laughter and soccer in the back yard to deflated spirits the next morning. I wonder how I’m meant to inflate another when I myself on occasion am struggling to keep my own head above water. I wonder if I’m succeeding as a father raising five children, all with unique needs and preferences.
Fortunately we get to try again, we get to repair and rebuild. We get to heal and to hope. This is what helps me to keep trying. I also find optimism in knowing that amid some of the mess I have created a wealth of memories and experiences that have been good and that can be drawn upon.
Anyway, gotta work. Thanks for reading.
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