What Should We Do When Our Marriage is a Mess?
As a boy I remember one day when my father gathered the family round and presented a sign he had made and for which he was going to display in several areas of the home. I don't remember the exact wording but I do remember the message.
Simply put, the message was; "if you make the mess, clean it up"
I suppose my parents had grown tired of the incessant messes that six children created in our small family home. I don't know if my parents felt that the sign helped curb the volume of mess, and I'm sure their frustrations didn't immediately cease. But the message has stuck with me these many years later.
I think most rational people would agree that the one who makes the mess should be responsible for cleaning it up. If I drop something on the floor, by accident or otherwise, it is my responsibility, not my spouses or anyone else's, to clean it up.
This idea can be expanded to groups of people too. We often have our children clean up the messes they make together. And likewise, if a community or even a nation makes a mess, they should be equally held responsible and accountable to repair and restore that which they have untidied or damaged.
Why then do we see, far too often, people pointing the finger of blame and shirking accountability and responsibility for the messes they make. Individuals and groups seem to feel justified and entitled in taking liberty without the accompanying accountability. This way of thinking and behaving is destructive to both individual lives and societies.
One area where this approach is frequently, and all to tragically played out, is within the home between husbands and wives. Why is is that we have become so accepting of divorce?
I acknowledge that SOME divorces are necessary and perhaps unavoidable. But what about all the others. Sweethearts marry and start out well. But slowly things get messy for some, a minor mistake here, or an indiscretion there and instead of seeking to repair and tidy up the messes THEY have made, they point a finger of judgement, refuse to tidy, and tragically some choose to leave.
I have noticed from speaking with other people that they are so apt and quick to highlight the errors and faults of the other and rarely or infrequently accept or acknowledge any personal accountability for the problems in their marriage. The old adage says it takes two to fight or dance. Rather than pointing a finger, which will change absolutely no one or nothing, we should be focusing on what we are doing, or can be doing.
When Jesus Christ announced that one of his disciples would betray him, it didn't turn into a finger-pointing exercise. Rather each asked, "Lord is it I"... What a powerful lesson for those of us who are married.
The truth is, we all are imperfect individuals which means that our marriages will be likewise imperfect. Marriage can be messy at times. We may say and do dumb and even inappropriate things. Some become entangled in harmful habits. The list of possible messes that can be made in marriage is probably as long as the almost infinite ways our children can make a mess in our homes.
We all need to do a better job of cleaning up our messes instead of just walking away, expecting someone else to clean it up. We don't throw out our best dishes because we don't want to, or can't be bothered to clean them. So why do we ever consider throwing away our most important relationship when that gets messy?
And talking of dishes, here's another lesson we can glean; it is far easier to wash the dishes after every meal, then to allow several meals worth to pile up... but even if we have allowed our marriage to figuratively pile up and build up to a giant mess, the truth still remains that all messes can be made clean.
I am convinced that there is no mess in marriage that cannot be cleaned up if both parties are willing to work. Even if one party seems unwilling at first, a marriage can still be helped by one person taking the lead to start cleaning, and maybe, just maybe, such action will inspire the other to join in and help. Whatever happens, it will very likely take time and effort, but one thing is for certain...
Simply throwing out all the dishes because no one wants, or cares to try and clean them is childish, irresponsible and destructive to self, children, and society.
I have had to clean up a great many messes in my own marriage. Being married isn't always easy for me, but I made a commitment and I intend to keep that commitment. So the question I have for you is; are you also going to clean up your mess?