Why am I a loaded gun?
Guns are one of Americas favorite topics to fight about.
Before coming to America I had never even handled a real gun, so it was quite the culture shock when Cassandra’s grandma handed me her revolver and told me I could go shoot a couple rounds off the back porch of her home in Oakley, Idaho.
I was excited and nervous as my finger compressed the trigger and caused two bullets to explode out into the open dusty farmland.
I’ve now handled and shot guns a handful of times since that first experience. And every time, I have to remind myself that what I’m holding is not a toy. I think it’s because toy guns were all I ever had, so holding a real one still seems surreal.
Occasionally I read about tragedies where a child will find a loaded gun in their home and thinking it’s a toy will pull the trigger and someone ends up dead. It’s heartbreaking.
A gun in and of itself is basically harmless, no more dangerous than any other heavy object around the home. You could pull the trigger all day long with no risk of harm. But the moment a bullet is loaded it suddenly becomes a weapon that can end a life, either deliberately or accidentally.
In our culture, it has been my experience that we talk about triggers a lot. We say things like, “that triggers me” or “they trigger me”…
In effect we are trying to explain, justify and perhaps even blame something or someone else for why we reacted the way we did.
This happened to me several days ago.
Our oldest son can sometimes be incredibly ungrateful and something he said vexed me to the point of raising my voice at him.
As I went to the other room, mainly to calm down, I heard my wife say to him, “when you do that, it triggers your dad”
A little while later as I was reflecting upon the interaction I had with my son, I thought, the issue here isn’t that my son pulled my trigger, the question is, why was I loaded gun?
Of course we should never intentionally try to trigger someone, but my son should be able to pull my trigger without me going off.
So why that day was I like a loaded gun lying around the house?
First, I think it’s important to note that my son didn’t load the bullet into the figurative gun, I did.
It wasn’t him that allowed the stresses and pressures of life get to me or to carry unnecessary baggage and past grievances. It certainly wasn’t my son who allowed problems to persist. No, all of those things were my doing.
That day, I was loaded and ready to fire and it was all my own making. And he like a child finding a loaded gun and not knowing, pulled the trigger and BANG!
We all lose our cool, get angry, say things we don’t really mean, act irrationally, or react poorly sometimes, we’re human.
But I’m learning that I cannot continue to blame others who pull my ‘trigger’ and expect to discover wellness in my life.
Instead of blaming, I’m trying to figure out how to unload the gun so that no matter what, I won’t explode potentially causing emotional, physical or mental damage to myself or others.
My son and I debrief whenever events like this happen. I’ve concluded it’s better to address the ugly parts of life and who I am rather than to ignore or pretend. Cleaning up the mess isn’t always easy or enjoyable, but it’s better than the alternatives.
Do you ever feel like a loaded gun? What do you do to unload so that when your trigger is pulled you don’t explode?
All the best,
P.S. Just so you know
What I’m sharing are my own opinions, thoughts and experiences. What has worked or is true for me may not be so for you. All advice or opinion, even from ‘experts’, should be taken with a pinch of salt because there really is no substitute for the difficult challenge of thinking and discovering truth and our own answers. One size never fits all and there are no silver bullets. So take what resonates and works for you and disregard the rest. But please join me in continued reading, listening, discovering, and above all, thinking for ourselves.